Kaitlyn quickly ripped open the envelope. “Dear Sister Clarke,” her eyes scanned quickly through the letter from the Office of the First Presidency. A prophetic invitation to serve. The Texas Houston Mission.
“It is anticipated that you will serve for a period of 18 months.”
Thirteen months later, she didn’t know what lay ahead as she disembarked from the crowded airplane, back home in Utah County.
One-third of millennial members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints who serve as missionaries come home early, reported The Next Mormons Survey in 2016. A survey conducted by Utah Valley University and Brigham Young University in 2015 explored some of the factors which caused missionaries to return home prematurely, citing mental health as the biggest factor.
Missionary service is considered an obligation for able-bodied young men ages 18-26 and is encouraged for young women of similar age. Young men serve for 24 months, while young women serve for 18 months. Many who return early describe feeling judged, creating additional anxiety and depression instead of alleviating it.
Leaders from the Church of Jesus Christ have recently emphasized preparation for missionary service being not only spiritual, but mental and emotional as well. In 2013, the Church published Adjusting to Missionary Life, which includes detailed advice to young missionaries on coping with stress and anxiety.
Kaitlyn Clarke’s excitement to serve began when she learned about sister missionaries as a five-year-old at church.
“They gave us coloring pages of missionaries, and they gave me a girl one,” said Clarke. “I started freaking out, ‘there are girl missionaries!’ I was so excited. Since then, it’s always stayed in the back of my mind that I wanted to serve a mission.”
Clarke prepared spiritually and mentally for the 18-month calling. She managed her ADHD with medication, but while serving she felt constant anxiety and self-doubt.
A psychiatrist recommended Clarke take anxiety medication, without receiving testing or a diagnosis.
“It made my anxiety a lot worse,” Clarke said. “It made me not think clearly. I was so wired all the time.”
Clarke experienced impaired judgement, mood swings, and poor sleep. She returned to the psychiatrist for counsel about treating these symptoms, and he suggested she take bipolar medication, in addition to her current medications.
“Nine days after I started taking it, I went home.”
Clarke found out after coming home that she never had bipolar disorder, and has been rebuilding her mental health through drawing, a tool she used on her mission to alleviate stress.
Many missionaries begin their service with preexisting mental health conditions. Some learn to manage their conditions, but others suffer a steep decline and never adjust to their new circumstances. The 2015 UVU study showed early return missionaries were more likely to have dealt with a mental health condition beforehand than missionaries who serve their full term.
“I knew beforehand that the amount of public speaking and social interaction involved with missionary work was going to be hard for me,” said Micah, a return missionary who asked that his last name be withheld.
Micah grew up dealing with depression and anxiety, but never sought out treatment. He participated in church and school, coping his anxiety through sports and running track in high school. As a missionary, he was cut off from his familiar coping techniques and began feeling extreme anxiety.
“Teaching a lesson, talking to someone at the door, or giving a spiritual thought at a ward council meeting all felt like track meets to me,” Micah said.
“The amount of anxiety and anticipation before each speaking event was at times unbearable, almost like the feeling you get when you are waiting at the start line before a race. A few months before I came home, that ‘pre-race’ feeling of anxiety began to last all day long.”
Micah’s emotional reserves were depleted, and as a missionary he couldn’t turn to his familiar coping mechanisms.
“Growing up I would use food, tv, exercise, and my family to help cope with it,” Micah said. “On a mission you don’t have a lot of those things.”
After eight months, Micah chose to come home from his mission. His family was supportive of his decision, and his ward welcomed him home.
“Coming home was overall a relief,” Micah said. “Most people acted as everything was normal and didn’t treat me any different. The worst thing that happened was maybe an awkward look while walking down the hallway at church.”
Many early return missionaries receive the same welcome home as those who served their full assigned time. However, UVU’s 2015 study found thirty-one percent of early return missionaries report an indifferent or unkind reception from family and friends.
Iris Newlun dealt with anxiety since eighth grade but hadn’t been diagnosed. After enjoying the Missionary Training Center, she discovered challenges in the mission field.
“I had terrible mood swings, and then I had a bad panic attack,” Newlun said. “It was kind of the straw that broke the camel’s back, and I was done. [The mission president] sent me to see a psychologist who works with missionaries, and he diagnosed me with anxiety, put me on meds, and sent me home.”
Only three months after beginning, Newlun sat outside the baggage claim reading her scriptures. She waited in the cold, with no way to contact her mom. When her mom arrived, she braced herself for the impending reception.
“She was pretty silent for most of the ride home,” Newlun said. “Then she just started screaming at me about how angry and disappointed she was, how I was a disappointment to her, how I was a terrible person for coming home early.”
Newlun struggled at home, facing rejection from her family. Her best friend, not a member of the Church, became one of her only sources of peace.
“My first couple months home I probably spent more time at my best friend’s house than I did at mine because I did not feel welcome in my own home.”
Newlun’s mother expressed that if she’d known more about her daughter’s situation, Newlun would have stayed on her mission longer. Newlun recognized how that could have changed her outcome but feels at peace about coming home early.
“Talk to your president, and talk to your parents,” Newlun said. “Tell your parents what’s going on. Be honest with them — don’t just tell them the good stuff.”
Newlun continues communicating with her mission president, who sent her a journal as a wedding gift for her to “remember the miracles,” a lesson she learned to do on her mission.
Despite the negative experiences many early return missionaries have, The Next Mormons Survey showed most consider the time they spent serving as a valuable contribution to their lives.
Clarke completed her 18-month assignment as a service missionary in Utah, living at home and working at the Church’s film studio and using her artistic skills creating media for the Church.
The mission she began in Houston left a lifelong impact on her. Her life since coming home – as a service missionary and college student – has been better than she ever imagined when she stepped off the airplane with her nametag 18 months ago